My daddy says...

You know, the primary program has to have that one kid who keeps people awake. In my ward, you know who that kid was?

If you guessed Sylvia, you'd be right.

I should start before we even got to church. My kids hate sleeping, so they were up nice and early and we had lots of time for breakfast. Since this weekend was full of Halloween parties the breakfast discussion centered around Halloween.

Derrick, trickster that he is, told Sylvia, "I think the Holy Ghost is scary."

"Scary?" she leaned forward, eyes wide and attentive.

"Yeah, I mean, he whispers in peoples' ears and tells them what to do."

I rolled my eyes.

We bundled everyone into the car and I drove away, almost early enough to get to church on time. I sat in the back with a friend and shooed Sylvia up to the stage. She's a little clingy sometimes, and this morning didn't want to sit with her class, so she sat with me until after the sacrament. Then, she followed the procession of stragglers like us to her seat and the program began.

The first song was about listening to the Holy Ghost.

As soon as the song was over Sylvia's girlish voice filled the silent chapel, her little voice just loud enough to be heard all the way in the back where I sat, motionless. She said, "My daddy says..."

I covered my face. I knew what was coming.

"My daddy says the Holy Ghost is scary."

I buried my head in my lap, both to hide my red face and muffle my laughter. I needn't have, though--everyone was giggling around me.

That's my kid.

She did a great job. Other than that little incident, she followed the script just as she was supposed to. She was one of the more understandable kids who spoke, which is pretty good for a four-year-old.

Philosophies of men

Not infrequently at church, the "philosophies of men" I think get a bad rap. I can't count how many times I've heard someone say we will be led astray by the philosophies of men, either implying or directly connecting the philosophies of men with science. Which is a little hard to take, especially as a scientist.

The scientific method--the trying to disprove theories instead of proving them--is really an attempt to avoid succumbing to the philosophies of men. Not that it always works, but that requirement, that we ask what would prove a theory wrong, not what would prove it right, is the antithesis of the way most human philosophies are formed. People are not naturally critical of their beliefs (which is why even the scientific method doesn't always prevent acceptance of theories that are later proven incorrect).

Religion encourages faith, the belief in things that are not seen, but are real, but also un-provable. It's rather difficult to prove, or even disprove, something that can't be tested (like faith, religion, God), which means, whether you like it or not, faith leaves you far more open to blind acceptance of what turn out to be philosophies of men than a more critical mindset would. Probably because I'm a scientist and, I suspect, possess a viewpoint more characteristic of an outsider than an insider, but I hear a fair amount preached over the pulpit that sounds like a philosophy of men--like something that depends strongly on the culture or background or age or gender of the one doing the preaching.

Which leaves a predicament: I know there is good in religion, and not just in my own, but in all religion focused on improving the individual and the community in which it acts. How does one critically decide which beliefs, philosophies, and paradigms are truly eternal in nature? I do believe eternal truths exist, and I believe my particular religion is privy to many that are cast aside by others, but I don't really know that. I don't really know what I'm taught, and what I'm teaching my child are really things of God, or if they're just a set of successful memes that somehow produce some reproductive or cultural advantage.

But I suppose that is the point of faith.

Sometimes, church is just cool

I love Sundays where I really do come back from church feeling spiritually rejuvenated.

This week I heard good talks in Sacrament meeting, had a nice visit with a friend during Sunday School while watching Sylvia sleep, and then enjoyed a great lesson on friendship during Relief society.

Steadfastness

So, my last post was more of a semi-transcript with a few of my thoughts on the inauguration as things were happening. Now that I've had a few hours to think about what Pres. Obama said and have discussed it with others, and listened to the speech on NPR again, I think it's for me an even more powerful speech than it was upon first hearing. I know, it's a political speech--it's intended to play on emotions and push buttons. I also know I'm not exactly an objective audience; nevertheless, the speech spoke to me powerfully and was timely and inspiring, and yes, faith-affirming.

I went visiting teaching this afternoon and read this month's visiting teaching message shortly before listening to the inauguration, so I'm quite sure that colored my impression of the speech. Even so, it struck me that the speech was really speaking to the much the same thing as the visiting teaching message--standing strong and immovable in faith (though in the case of our nation, faith might more properly be replaced by freedom, liberty, or any number of other attributes to which we aspire as a nation). This is a nation that was formed by inspired men--imperfect men--but men who stood strong and immovable in their convictions, focused on a set of ideals that was unique at the time and has changed the world we live in. Those ideals--freedom, democracy, liberty, justice, equality--bless my life and the lives of my loved ones. Our predecessors have done great things by holding to the ideals upon which this nation was founded; now it's our turn to push forward to a better world than the one we have inherited. What a wonderful challenge, and wonderful opportunity!

WOW

Having a bit of behind the scenes knowledge can sometimes be an interesting thing. For instance, today the three speakers were asked to speak on "drawing strength from daily prayer," "changing our lives in accordance with gospel principles," and "providing the Lord's way." Interestingly, all three focused on the word of wisdom. Also interestingly, the three pretty much ran the gamut of interpretation of the WOW, from the juvenile, "don't drink, don't smoke" to the more nuanced approach that acknowledges more of the spiritual side of the physical law, and finally to the embracing of the entire section of the D&C in a way that emphasizes living a simple, healthy, self-sufficient lifestyle. The last speaker even went through the "Do's" of the WOW, including eating herbs, fruits, and grains, and eating meat sparingly. He highlighted families who grew much of their own food, and talked about the health and financial benefits of doing so (though I seriously doubt we could all expect to avoid all illness just by growing our own food--people grew all their own food for thousands of years, and I'm pretty sure farmers got sick during that time, too).

I've never thought of the WOW as a law that encourages self-reliance, but that interpretation makes sense in a lot of ways (and makes the eventual emphasis on abstaining from coffee, tea, and alcohol fit in better--all three are things that were expensive and tough to come by in early Utah. I've heard some suggest Brigham Young interpreted D&C 89 as pertaining to those items for economic reasons as much as health reasons). Societally, if we were to cut back on meat consumption, not only would we likely see a reduction in a lot of health problems, but we'd consume far less of the world's resources and would emit far less CO2. (Note, I'm not advocating going vegan--nor is the WOW, obviously, but it is clear to me that there are a lot of reasons for reducing meat consumption, and some of them are spiritual.)

All in all, it was a really good meeting. Actually, all three meetings today were excellent. Far too often I come away wondering why I go, but I really felt like I got something out of church today. I learned, I was engaged, and I remembered why I believe in this gospel, and why I follow it even when I'm in the midst of a time of questioning.

RAK

Yesterday evening, after a very long couple of weeks preparing for AGU, Derrick and I went to Target and bought a few thingss, including near-instant dinner (pizza and these lovely fruit-filled pastries we warmed in the oven and served with ice cream). As we were standing in the produce section, this woman came up to us and said something along the lines of, "Hello, we've selected you to receive this gift card." At first I was mildly annoyed, thinking we were at the receiving end of some promotion, but when I looked up at the woman holding the card, I realized she wasn't a Target employee, and the people standing around her were members of her family. She wished us a happy holiday season, we expressed our mumbled, confused thanks, and the six of them continued on their way, and we on ours.

That made my day. I've been so wrapped up in preparing for my conference it hardly feels like the holiday season. My in-laws asked how Derrick and I were dressed, teasing us we probably looked so ragged the family assumed we were needy. I suspect they chose us because of Sylvia. In any case, I'm grateful for their kindness, and for whatever spirit possessed them to perform this small kindness for us. While physically and financially we're in good shape, emotionally I was in need, especially right now, and especially because I didn't even recognize the lack until something was given to fill it. We're not even going to keep the card--we have a much better and much more important use for it--passing it along to, we hope, bless the life of someone else!

The measure of creation

So, yesterday was a pretty spectacularly bad day, but I got over it and moved on, just as I have after any number of spectacularly bad days. Today wasn't a great day, though I was in a much better mood about the things that went wrong and the slowness of doing anything in lab while simultaneously caring for an infant and a husband. It occurred to me that the major change in my attitude came after I wrote about what had happened on my blog. I don't know if the difference is at all obvious to an outside observer, but yesterday's blog post was far more crafted than my usual get-down-the-details-and-don't-worry-about-how-it-sounds post. The same is true of a few other posts I've written when I've been down in the dumps about something, usually (though not always) school-related.

It occurs to me that when things are going well at school, I have less of a need to blog, less of a need to bake the cookies and cakes and endless loaves of tasty bread that Derrick so enjoys. I don't do as much photography or as much painting. I don't think it's because I have more energy when things aren't going well at school--quite the opposite is true. Instead, I think it's because for me science is very much a creative process--I am in the business of creating data, discovering ideas, creating knowledge and sharing that with others. And I get a fix off that. Elder Uchtdorf spoke to this need to create in the most recent conference:

The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. No matter our talents, education, backgrounds, or abilities, we each have an inherent wish to create something that did not exist before.

Everyone can create. You don’t need money, position, or influence in order to create something of substance or beauty.

Creation brings deep satisfaction and fulfillment. We develop ourselves and others when we take unorganized matter into our hands and mold it into something of beauty—and I am not talking about the process of cleaning the rooms of your teenage children.

It's very true that I find deep satisfaction in the act of creation. Witness this tasty act of creation Derrick and I enjoyed about an hour ago:

Thank heavens...

for in-laws and mothers who call and remind you that it's your anniversary. Derrick and I both forgot. It's been four years since we got married--amazing, no? Between the baby and all the other stuff that's going on, and the fact that, for the first time, we're not spending our anniversary in Santa Fe, NM, we both forgot! I obviously need contextual cues to remember special dates.

In other news, I had another baby shower this evening, which was a lot of fun--good food, good friends, and good weather. Oh yeah, and a great excuse to make Vietnamese spring rolls. I wish more of the veggies and herbs I used were from my garden, but since the cilantro and Thai basil didn't grow, and I didn't even attempt lettuce this year, I had to buy most of my veggies. I did use radishes and mint from my garden, so at least some of the food was locally grown (by me!).

I'm overwhelmed by the generosity of the women who came. I received a lot of much-needed stuff, much of it consumables like diapers and wipes that I know will be extremely helpful in the coming months. All of the women there are mothers and all shared their experience and much advice that I will, I hope, remember and be able to use when I encounter the inevitable difficult situations. If nothing else, I know who to talk to when I have problems!

But even more than that, I saw something happen that touched me deeply and made me really appreciate the relief society. There's a woman in my ward who is a very caring, compassionate, and social woman, and whose mother is in the process of dying. She's struggling with letting her mother go--understandably--even though her mother is in pretty bad shape at this point. At the end of the evening the conversation between several of the women (one of whom is the current RS president, and one who is her predecessor) turned to this woman in the ward and her struggles (most of which she'll never admit too). Very shortly two of them decided they needed to visit this sister, pretty much just to give her some emotional support. I donated the left over spring rolls (which I know the sister being visited loves), though I didn't go along, much as I wished to.

To me, that kind of simple service is really what a gospel centered life, and a gospel centered community is about. I am so impressed with the women who surround me and act as examples of kindness and giving. I'm glad that the bonds of common faith and our community bind us together as sisters and give us the opportunity to come to know and love one another.

Bright side

You know, I really should be more charitable at church. People share ideas that sound weird to me and probably help them through tough times, and I really should be more understanding of their needs. Nevertheless, when someone says something bone-headed, along the lines of, "I know the women in this church were valiant spirits in the pre-existence because they were born into homes where their fathers hold the priesthood and have married righteous priesthood holders" I do at times have to resist the urge to gag, laugh out loud, or simply slap someone silly. Ugh. I'm sure that a thought of that nature is, in some sense, a compliment to the women in the life of the man who expressed the sentiment, but it's just so backhanded and condescending, and at the same time so elitist, I have a hard time stomaching it.

I often wonder if the reverse isn't true anyway--what if those of us born into the covenant (at least some of us) are here because we wouldn't have otherwise sought out the church? I'd probably fall into that category. I have a testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel and the power of it in my life, but would my attachment to my particular religion be any different had I been brought up Methodist or Baptist, or Hindu or Muslim? I'm certainly glad to be where I am--I like my life, I enjoy the freedoms afforded me by my culture and my nationality, but how much of that was something predetermined before my birth, and how much of that was random chance?

Let us go not far astray

As I am sometimes wont to do on Sundays, I've spent some time today thinking about some past, very painful events in my life and how I dealt with them, and how I could have dealt with them better, what I've learned. I belong to a church that places great emphasis on the idea of personal revelation. There are, of course, caveats to believing personal revelation--over at bcc there was recently a discussion of how much trust we should put in the ideas, opinions, and revelations from the GA's vs. our own feelings, ideas, and experiences. It's an interesting question, as always and, of course, has precipitated my current musings (if it's not clear why, I'll get to that in a moment).

I am a scientist, and I admit freely I place more trust in science, logic, and reasoning than I do on faith. I am much more likely to do something if I understand the why behind it than if someone simply says, "do it because God says to." Most of the time this works out pretty well for me--sometimes there are conflicts, but most resolve themselves in an adequate manner. I tried the other way--the listening to the spirit and leaving decisions up to the Lord way--and it really didn't work for me.

After college, when I went to grad school, I decided I wanted to go back to church. I realized I did have faith in Mormonism, and so I made many changes in my life and went back to church. Most of the changes were pretty easy--I've never dressed terribly immodestly, I was never into drinking much, and I never liked coffee or tea--but giving up boys was hard. I felt like I had to give up dating non-Mormon guys and find someone who shared my faith. So that's what I did. I broke up with Derrick, started dating this other guy, I prayed over him, and for the first time in my life, I felt like I was in a relationship my Father in Heaven approved of and I felt that he would be pleased if I married this young man. It was a very powerfully good feeling, that certainty I was doing the right thing in the eyes of my Heavenly Father.

Then, the guy cheated on me.

Because of the confirmation I thought I'd felt, I gave him another chance. And another. And another. At some point I knew the confirmation was gone and that the relationship had turned sour, but it was so difficult to give up on that hope that I let him come back and tried to make things work. I felt like if the relationship failed, it would mean I'd failed and was unworthy of the promised blessing of a righteous husband. When the relationship finally ended, I felt like I must have been the bad person, and felt like I was being punished for my bad behavior in college.

I kept going to church, even though it was really hard to be there. I struggled for a long time, wondering if the feelings I'd felt were really true, or if I'd just imagined the confirmation of that relationship. When Derrick and I got back together I didn't ask the Lord if he approved the relationship--I wanted to be happy, I knew Derrick would provide that, and if the Lord wanted me stop, he was going to have to make me. (Really mature, huh?)

The latter approach worked. I'm glad I married Derrick. He is a wonderful husband, and he's a wonderful friend. I know why I wanted to marry someone who shares my beliefs, but I came to realize that religious beliefs aren't necessarily good indicators of shared beliefs.

I've also come to realize that all revelation, personal or not, is conditional. We can, through our actions, change the outcomes prophesied by the Lord's mouthpieces. We can give up promised blessings with bad behavior (Samson and Delilah, anyone?), and we can avoid promised punishments if we repent and turn back to the Lord. God may be all powerful and omniscient, but just because he said it doesn't always make it true.