So, I finally went to church today. It was a nice enough meeting (though Sylvia was on one during sacrament meeting, so I'm afraid I didn't get much out of it), and the people there were very kind, even to the point of trying to convince me to move in and join the choir when it was revealed I don't belong to that ward.
Because as it turns out, I don't belong to any of the first three wards that show up on the LDS ward search (though the first two were pretty obvious--I don't speak either Hmong or Spanish). Instead, I am assigned to the ward that meets in the fourth meeting house listed--the furthest away from where I live. Since I've now learned this lesson, I'll share it with you: when you search for a meeting house, look at the first "assigned congregation," which is listed second, after the list of the closest meeting houses and their associated wards.