Monday, May 24, 2010

A day without my daughter

This morning I left before my daughter woke up. Then, I came home after my daughter went to bed. In between I had a wonderful day doing lab work--doing something that makes me feel fulfilled and happy in a way few other things do.

Which is probably why I'm so anxious about moving to San Diego. I won't have a job there, unless I happen to get a grant (a grant I haven't applied for, or even really started writing yet). Even if I do get a grant, there will be some months in there where I won't have a job and won't have a babysitter even if there's work I'd like to do. Whatever happens, moving to San Diego is going to mean giving up academics for a while, and particularly giving up lab work. I'm sad about that.

2 comments:

  1. I was sort of expecting/hoping for a comment about how you had a great day but really missed your daughter. But no luck.

    I've been staying at home with Minnie for three months now. I really love her. But sometimes--like today--it is really really hard.

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  2. I'm sorry you had a bad day (and sorry it's taken me so long to even read your comment!). It's not that I didn't miss Sylvia--I did--it's more that at the end of the day I don't feel the same sense of accomplishment that I do after a day of lab work. Perhaps I'm not conditioned to give myself the pats on the back for changing the poopy diapers and cleaning up a mess for the third time, or maybe motherhood just isn't as much fun. I certainly find it repetitive and often icky, and while there are no specific tasks that are difficult, finding the motivation to do them over and over and over is a great challenge for me. Finding that little bit of extra motivation to do something on top (hobbies, work, socializing) even if I know I'll feel better, is sometimes impossible, which leaves me feeling like the things that make me who I am are slipping away.

    That's probably a big part of why, while I missed my daughter, I focused on missing my job and the sense of me-ness it creates for me. Does that make sense?

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